Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Zion Camping
Lauren and I had fall break last Friday and Monday, so we went to Zion's National Park and camped. It is only about an hour from where we live, so that is nice. The leaves were changing to yellow, it was cold in the morning and night, hot as we hiked. We hiked to Angel's Landing, only I forgot my shoes, had to buy new ones, got blisters like I have never had before! Ouch! It was worth it, though, as Angle's Landing is cool and we even were circled by an almost extinct condor. That was cool! We had to move from one campground to another, so rather than take the tent down, I stuck the tent with the poles out the window of the car, which embarrassed Lauren immensely. Kyle came for a few nights, which was nice as he came with a hammock and swinging chair which was fun, and also taught me how to use the camp stove, which I had a hard time with. Lauren liked having both her "weird" parents there. Here are some pictures:
Ok. never mind. I am sick of waiting for our slow internet. I'll load the pictures when I have more patience.
Ok. never mind. I am sick of waiting for our slow internet. I'll load the pictures when I have more patience.
10/20/09
On being single 9 months later: Getting better every day. Every-once-in-a-while I get this feeling of happy that I think to myself "oh, yeah, I remember that feeling a long time ago." I worry about stuff still, but over all, getting unmarried was a good thing. Kyle and I are still friends. I see him a lot different now and can see how I could have understood stuff differently and perhaps that would have changed things, but I am fine with how things turned out. We do things now with Lauren a lot, and get along good, but neither of us have a desire to "work things out." I think we are both fine with how things are. I am seeing him a lot differently than I did when we were married because I know I don't have to deal with the things I don't like forever. I can walk away anytime, so can he. I am glad I am not legally bound to him. He probably feels the same.
I will say, Lauren and I went camping at Zion's (see pictures) and while I was sitting outside a cafe there, I got talking to a couple who were there celebrating their 67th wedding anniversary. I realized I would never have a 67th wedding anniversary, probably not even a 50th wedding anniversary, and that was a little sad. Weird things like that hit me at weird times, but for my health and peace, I think I am in a good place.
Kids: Calvin is loving golf college in Phoenix, and finally broke 80, got a 77, on 18 holes golfing in their weekly tournament. I don't golf much, but I hear that is a big breakthrough. Yeah, Calvin!
Lauren is in 8th grade and seems to be thriving there. She has a lot of good teachers, and ones that I taught with a few years ago. She is a smart girl. She loves reading Harry Potter and has read all the books about 6 times!
Elisha and Phil are getting ready for the first baby, a girl. It is due Nov. 10. Sounds like she is having a really good, healthy pregnancy.
Ben and Brooke are having #3, another girl, in Feb. Brooke seems to be over the worst of the sick, but doesn't sound like life is bliss, sick-wise yet! Go Brooke! I am excited they will be coming down for Halloween to trick or treat, the only year in 7 when Halloween is on Saturday so they can come! While I still don't like being called grandma (my family went through quite the chastisement to me when I told them I didn't want to be called that, so I am called Grandma Karen. I like Boston's pronunciation. She just says "hey kenan") I love their little lives and the joy they give me every time I get to be around them.
Danielle has a release date of March 12 from her mission. She told of a funny story that one investigator who read the Bible knew Jesus would come sometime when no one knew, but she was surprised the Mormons knew it was at lunchtime that he would come. Danielle realized she thought the Mormons thought lunchtime because in the Joseph Smith story it said He was brighter than the noonday sun. I told my mom, who reminded me of the story when my brother Chris was little. He was glad to hear Jesus would come like a thief in the night because if we knew when He was coming, Chris was sure our mom would make him clean the house! Funny stories.
I will say, Lauren and I went camping at Zion's (see pictures) and while I was sitting outside a cafe there, I got talking to a couple who were there celebrating their 67th wedding anniversary. I realized I would never have a 67th wedding anniversary, probably not even a 50th wedding anniversary, and that was a little sad. Weird things like that hit me at weird times, but for my health and peace, I think I am in a good place.
Kids: Calvin is loving golf college in Phoenix, and finally broke 80, got a 77, on 18 holes golfing in their weekly tournament. I don't golf much, but I hear that is a big breakthrough. Yeah, Calvin!
Lauren is in 8th grade and seems to be thriving there. She has a lot of good teachers, and ones that I taught with a few years ago. She is a smart girl. She loves reading Harry Potter and has read all the books about 6 times!
Elisha and Phil are getting ready for the first baby, a girl. It is due Nov. 10. Sounds like she is having a really good, healthy pregnancy.
Ben and Brooke are having #3, another girl, in Feb. Brooke seems to be over the worst of the sick, but doesn't sound like life is bliss, sick-wise yet! Go Brooke! I am excited they will be coming down for Halloween to trick or treat, the only year in 7 when Halloween is on Saturday so they can come! While I still don't like being called grandma (my family went through quite the chastisement to me when I told them I didn't want to be called that, so I am called Grandma Karen. I like Boston's pronunciation. She just says "hey kenan") I love their little lives and the joy they give me every time I get to be around them.
Danielle has a release date of March 12 from her mission. She told of a funny story that one investigator who read the Bible knew Jesus would come sometime when no one knew, but she was surprised the Mormons knew it was at lunchtime that he would come. Danielle realized she thought the Mormons thought lunchtime because in the Joseph Smith story it said He was brighter than the noonday sun. I told my mom, who reminded me of the story when my brother Chris was little. He was glad to hear Jesus would come like a thief in the night because if we knew when He was coming, Chris was sure our mom would make him clean the house! Funny stories.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Why can't I just let God be in charge?
I have a PET scan and heart ultrasound every 3 months just to check out the cancer stuff. The PET scan shows if there has been any growth in any tumors, and if the tumors are still there. The IV I get every three weeks helps fight and stop tumor growth, but sometimes it damages the heart and then they have to stop the Herceptin and then there is a risk that the tumors will grow again. I also take a pill every day to help the cancer not grow. But it makes me gain weight. I have a poofy middle age middle now. I have felt stuff jiggle. Yuck.
Last Friday, Sept. 4, 2009 I had a PET and ultrasound. Since it was Labor Day weekend, I didn't get the results until today, Thursday, almost a week later. I didn't stress a lot over it because I knew there was nothing I could do about the results. I did stress about it on the way to the tests, and even called my kids and parents to ask them to pray for me. I was pretty jittery about it. It was nice to know they were doing that.
Today the guy that gives me my IV's, John, called and instead of telling me I am in remission like they usually do, told me the dr., Dr. Manalo, wanted to talk to me about my results. That worries me, I told him, as they usually just call to say I am in remission. He assured me that if there had been anything bad, Dr. Manalo usually tells him, and he would have told me. He made my appt. with her (the dr.) for a week from tomorrow. That is when I am going in anyway for my usual IV. My regular appt. with the dr. wasn't for 6 weeks and he said she just wanted to see me before then. I did the "are you SURE there's nothing bad in the reports?" conversation, and he assured me if there was he would know and would tell me. I should believe him, but he seemed a little hesitant to me. But maybe that is just because I am so stressed about it.
So....I can think about it in a lot of ways. I can trust him and not worry like he said, or I can freak out and be sure it is something bad she wants to tell me. My cancer grows fast, faster than a 6 week appointment would warrant, but slow enough that waiting a week wouldn't be too bad if something was wrong. My back has been hurting more than usual, but I thought that was because I was up and walking all over with school starting. And maybe that is all it is. Or maybe the cancer is growing. Last PET scan showed all the tumors in my lungs were gone (yeah!) but the ones in my spine were still there, but not growing, and smaller than they were (yeah, again). Also, last time I exercised, my heart really raced and after 15 minutes of sitting down, it was still at 120 bpm. which is pretty high after 15 minutes. So, the worrier in me worries.
But then John said don't worry, that things were fine. But then I have been told that before and they weren't.
My friend had a husband that was/is a sex addict. She divorced him after 20 years of marriage and 4 kids. Now she goes to the church's AA type meeting, but it uses AA and Gospel principles together. She wants to understand her ex and herself better. She asked me to go with her. I have gone twice. Last Sunday there were about 12 ladies. I don't think any were drug or alcohol addicts, but some were food addicts and the rest were "co-dependents," by their own admission. I sat there thinking we are all co-dependent on something or someone. The principle we discussed and read about was the 3rd one, putting it in God's hands. We discussed why we can't do that so easily if we believe He is all powerful, all knowing, there to help us, lets things happen for our good.
I have thought about that in my current situation. If I were to just do that, I wouldn't need to worry. Most of the time, I can do that. But to be honest, I have tried to do that most of my adult life and I got divorced and cancer twice. I am living in the opposite of where I have always wanted to live. I live paycheck to paycheck, if I am lucky. My kids are not around, except Lauren, thank goodness. I am lonely for them sometimes, but am glad they are doing what they are doing mostly. I would feel a failure if they all just lived at home with me still and didn't get out on their own at their age. Today after work, I had nothing I needed to do. Some people would think that was great, but it's not. I had tons of stuff I COULD do, but nothing of interest and nothing that I had to do. So I just sat and channel flipped between Dr. Phil and Oprah's 24th season party.
On Dr. Phil, there was a couple who were somewhat like Kyle and I used to be. The guy thought a lot of the financial stuff he did and did a lot of financial suicidal things in the name of "principal" without the wife knowing or understanding, but using her credit, SS # and name. She now knew and was hoppin' mad. While Dr. Phil and the legal lady didn't really tell her divorce him, they both suggested that was about the only option for her to get out of it all. That is what I came to myself. It was sad to watch it. Then I thought about how I was 28 when Oprah started her show. A lot has happened in 28 years. That was about when Elisha was born. I wondered how some people turned into rich, famous Oprahs and how some turned into people sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for themselves watching Oprah celebrate.
Is it from turning it over to God? Did I do it right, or did Oprah? Did I do my share and this is where God wants me to be, or did I not do my part, and now this is how my life ended up because I did something wrong and now I am being punished with divorce, loneliness, worry about a PET scan, fighting cancer, counting pennies?
I have prayed for so many things and gotten "No" for the answer. I am afraid to turn things over to God. I don't want Him to tell me no again. I live each day not real excited for anything because every time I have wanted something, it seems I have lost it, God has said no. So if I don't want anything really bad, then I won't be disappointed when I lose it. But then life is sort of blah. And then I feel guilty because I have so much more than a lot of people. I still ride my bike. I am still healthy. I can hike and walk and I have a good job and work with good people and I didn't have to change schools and drive all the way to Hurricane to teach, and my kids are healthy and have made great choices and I have wonderful grandkids and in-law kids, and I am at peace, not like the lady on Dr. Phil anymore. I have great friends, good health care, a really nice neighborhood, ward, and town to live in. I have my own house and I can paint it whatever color I want. I have wonderful parents and siblings, I have the Gospel, the Holy Ghost, the Savior, all the church offers and a temple close by.
Am I blessed or being punished? Did I do what I was supposed to do and God just has another plan that I am not aware of, or did I drop the ball somewhere? Is Oprah more blessed than me, or me more than her, and/or does it even matter?
Why can't I let God be in charge? Because I'm scared.
Last Friday, Sept. 4, 2009 I had a PET and ultrasound. Since it was Labor Day weekend, I didn't get the results until today, Thursday, almost a week later. I didn't stress a lot over it because I knew there was nothing I could do about the results. I did stress about it on the way to the tests, and even called my kids and parents to ask them to pray for me. I was pretty jittery about it. It was nice to know they were doing that.
Today the guy that gives me my IV's, John, called and instead of telling me I am in remission like they usually do, told me the dr., Dr. Manalo, wanted to talk to me about my results. That worries me, I told him, as they usually just call to say I am in remission. He assured me that if there had been anything bad, Dr. Manalo usually tells him, and he would have told me. He made my appt. with her (the dr.) for a week from tomorrow. That is when I am going in anyway for my usual IV. My regular appt. with the dr. wasn't for 6 weeks and he said she just wanted to see me before then. I did the "are you SURE there's nothing bad in the reports?" conversation, and he assured me if there was he would know and would tell me. I should believe him, but he seemed a little hesitant to me. But maybe that is just because I am so stressed about it.
So....I can think about it in a lot of ways. I can trust him and not worry like he said, or I can freak out and be sure it is something bad she wants to tell me. My cancer grows fast, faster than a 6 week appointment would warrant, but slow enough that waiting a week wouldn't be too bad if something was wrong. My back has been hurting more than usual, but I thought that was because I was up and walking all over with school starting. And maybe that is all it is. Or maybe the cancer is growing. Last PET scan showed all the tumors in my lungs were gone (yeah!) but the ones in my spine were still there, but not growing, and smaller than they were (yeah, again). Also, last time I exercised, my heart really raced and after 15 minutes of sitting down, it was still at 120 bpm. which is pretty high after 15 minutes. So, the worrier in me worries.
But then John said don't worry, that things were fine. But then I have been told that before and they weren't.
My friend had a husband that was/is a sex addict. She divorced him after 20 years of marriage and 4 kids. Now she goes to the church's AA type meeting, but it uses AA and Gospel principles together. She wants to understand her ex and herself better. She asked me to go with her. I have gone twice. Last Sunday there were about 12 ladies. I don't think any were drug or alcohol addicts, but some were food addicts and the rest were "co-dependents," by their own admission. I sat there thinking we are all co-dependent on something or someone. The principle we discussed and read about was the 3rd one, putting it in God's hands. We discussed why we can't do that so easily if we believe He is all powerful, all knowing, there to help us, lets things happen for our good.
I have thought about that in my current situation. If I were to just do that, I wouldn't need to worry. Most of the time, I can do that. But to be honest, I have tried to do that most of my adult life and I got divorced and cancer twice. I am living in the opposite of where I have always wanted to live. I live paycheck to paycheck, if I am lucky. My kids are not around, except Lauren, thank goodness. I am lonely for them sometimes, but am glad they are doing what they are doing mostly. I would feel a failure if they all just lived at home with me still and didn't get out on their own at their age. Today after work, I had nothing I needed to do. Some people would think that was great, but it's not. I had tons of stuff I COULD do, but nothing of interest and nothing that I had to do. So I just sat and channel flipped between Dr. Phil and Oprah's 24th season party.
On Dr. Phil, there was a couple who were somewhat like Kyle and I used to be. The guy thought a lot of the financial stuff he did and did a lot of financial suicidal things in the name of "principal" without the wife knowing or understanding, but using her credit, SS # and name. She now knew and was hoppin' mad. While Dr. Phil and the legal lady didn't really tell her divorce him, they both suggested that was about the only option for her to get out of it all. That is what I came to myself. It was sad to watch it. Then I thought about how I was 28 when Oprah started her show. A lot has happened in 28 years. That was about when Elisha was born. I wondered how some people turned into rich, famous Oprahs and how some turned into people sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for themselves watching Oprah celebrate.
Is it from turning it over to God? Did I do it right, or did Oprah? Did I do my share and this is where God wants me to be, or did I not do my part, and now this is how my life ended up because I did something wrong and now I am being punished with divorce, loneliness, worry about a PET scan, fighting cancer, counting pennies?
I have prayed for so many things and gotten "No" for the answer. I am afraid to turn things over to God. I don't want Him to tell me no again. I live each day not real excited for anything because every time I have wanted something, it seems I have lost it, God has said no. So if I don't want anything really bad, then I won't be disappointed when I lose it. But then life is sort of blah. And then I feel guilty because I have so much more than a lot of people. I still ride my bike. I am still healthy. I can hike and walk and I have a good job and work with good people and I didn't have to change schools and drive all the way to Hurricane to teach, and my kids are healthy and have made great choices and I have wonderful grandkids and in-law kids, and I am at peace, not like the lady on Dr. Phil anymore. I have great friends, good health care, a really nice neighborhood, ward, and town to live in. I have my own house and I can paint it whatever color I want. I have wonderful parents and siblings, I have the Gospel, the Holy Ghost, the Savior, all the church offers and a temple close by.
Am I blessed or being punished? Did I do what I was supposed to do and God just has another plan that I am not aware of, or did I drop the ball somewhere? Is Oprah more blessed than me, or me more than her, and/or does it even matter?
Why can't I let God be in charge? Because I'm scared.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Hiking around
We went on a hike to Cathedral Wash by Lee's Ferry. We also went to the Grand Canyon. Lauren liked it, but after one stop said, "Ok, I get it, it's big. How much longer do we have to look at it, it all looks the same."
Happy Aug. 23, 2009
Today would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. I always thought on this day we would be on a cruise or something fun traveling somewhere celebrating 30 years together. But we aren't. I'm in St. George, UT. Divorced. Oh well. Still, rather than be sad on this day, I am grateful for the past 30 years. They didn't go like I thought, but in the eternal scope of things, I have learned enough for a lifetime. I have been divorced twice from the same man, my returned missionary temple married husband is now my divorced ex-man. I have been through cancer twice. I have a step-daughter that was an unplanned event, I have seen tons of life experiences. But through it all, I have learned tons of stuff. I have grown closer to God, I have felt the Savior next to me, I have walked with God. I have seen miracles, I have seen that I can do more than I thought I could. I have been truly blessed. I have 5 of the greatest kids on the planet. I have the best in-law kids a mother could ask for. I have the cutest, sweetest grandkids around with two more on the way. All that came from the decision I made 30 years ago to marry. I am so glad I made that decision. This is a day of celebration, a day I am happy for. I have had a wonderful life in the eternal picture. I am a blessed woman.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Aug. 4 update
What I did this summer: I don't have any pictures, so this may be boring, but I thought I'd update kind of like a journal thing. I have to start work next Monday, Aug. 10, then the kids start Aug. 13. I am glad to get on with school starting, as that means hot weather is over soon and the holidays are coming. They are really nice here because the weather is so nice. I have spent the summer going on small trips so I didn't have to stay in St. George and swelter. I will have to get used to it one day, I guess, or not. I really want to get some place to head to in the summer where it is cool. I went to Pine Valley, about 45 minutes away, for girl's camp, on a road trip with Elisha's mother-in-law to Green Valley, AZ, Taos, NM, Gallup, NM and home. We also went to Lee's Ferry and have decided to go on a river rafting trip down the Colorado River into the Grand Canyon in a year or two, whenever I can save enough money (she already has hers!) I spent a lot of days and trips in Santaquin spending time with my wonderful parents picking and eating raspberries, apricots and apples, and spending time with my grandkids there. We also went camping in Hobble Creek with the kids and grands. The weirdest thing about being a grandma is having my mom call me a grandma! We also went to Fish Lake, and Mesquite, NV and hung out at the pool there.
The grandkids are at my favorite age. They are really cute and say funny things and it is just amazing all the stuff they do. My sister, Andrea, made cookies with them, and my mom let them make their own sandwiches. They have tons of patience, more than me. And we had a wonderful tea (water) party with the kiddies. It was so great to see Tony's family, Andrea's family, Heidi's family, in Santaquin and other family members (Gigi, Michelle and girls, Deanna and girls, Aunt Clara, old friends) at Elisha's shower this summer. it is great to see so many. Bryant and Linda and Jackson also came to St. George for a day. That was a really nice time. I also went to Chris and Leah's house and spent some Fish Lake time with them. It was cool to see so many.
My health: In remission, I get a preventative IV every three weeks and take a pill (that unfortunately makes me gain weight, let's see....cancer?...or weight gain?...tough choice!) every day. My next check-up/PET scan is Sept. 3 or so. I don't like those much because they are so stressful. It is like they give me another 3 months to live when they call with the results being "remission still." I worry they will see the cancer growing again. I need to not worry and just put it in God's hands.
My kids: Elisha's baby is due in November, it's a girl they say, she is healthy and doing well. Phil and Calvin are going door to door selling pest control where they live. Phil now has a job at a troubled kid place again in Tucson. Elisha is going to be a school counselor again at the same school.
Ben and Brooke are expecting #3 in Feb. Brooke is really sick with pregnancy, and Ben is wroking hard at work and home. He is going to to the Ironman triathalon in St. George next May with my brother, Adrian. It was fun going biking with him this summer, only he had to push me part of the way up hill because I am old and he is young and also my last two gears need to be adjusted.
Danielle is still on her mission in Toronto. You can read about her at daniellestorontomission.blogspot.com. She is going great. She'll be home in Feb. 2010.
Calvin is selling bug spray (see Elisha) and I am proud of him, as he is in Green Valley (20 min. south of Tucson....HOT) and going door to door for the first time in his life, and driving a car with no air conditioning. He is going to Golf College in a few weeks in Phoenix.
Lauren just got done going with Kyle and her half-sister Kiana delivering phone books around here. They'd get up at 3am. and work until noon, then be tired and go to bed at 9pm and start over. It was hard, but good for them. She is now waiting for school to start and will be in middle school in 8th grade.
On single life: I went to my first single's activity. I will say is the best way to curb divorce is to make it mandatory that you must attend one single's dance before you file for divorce. If you still think your life is bad, go for divorce! Ugh! My friend and I were hit on immediately by two 60+ year old men ( we are both about 5'11", they were both about 5"6"), another that started smelling my neck and hair that I batted away like a fly, and were invited to an overnight party where my friend was told she could share a sleeping bag with one of the guys. And this was an LDS single's activity. When I started to get nauseated by the whole thing--in about 45 minutes--we left and just stared out the window in shock on the way home! So, if you know of any NORMAL single people, I think I'll go for blind dates before I do that again!
The grandkids are at my favorite age. They are really cute and say funny things and it is just amazing all the stuff they do. My sister, Andrea, made cookies with them, and my mom let them make their own sandwiches. They have tons of patience, more than me. And we had a wonderful tea (water) party with the kiddies. It was so great to see Tony's family, Andrea's family, Heidi's family, in Santaquin and other family members (Gigi, Michelle and girls, Deanna and girls, Aunt Clara, old friends) at Elisha's shower this summer. it is great to see so many. Bryant and Linda and Jackson also came to St. George for a day. That was a really nice time. I also went to Chris and Leah's house and spent some Fish Lake time with them. It was cool to see so many.
My health: In remission, I get a preventative IV every three weeks and take a pill (that unfortunately makes me gain weight, let's see....cancer?...or weight gain?...tough choice!) every day. My next check-up/PET scan is Sept. 3 or so. I don't like those much because they are so stressful. It is like they give me another 3 months to live when they call with the results being "remission still." I worry they will see the cancer growing again. I need to not worry and just put it in God's hands.
My kids: Elisha's baby is due in November, it's a girl they say, she is healthy and doing well. Phil and Calvin are going door to door selling pest control where they live. Phil now has a job at a troubled kid place again in Tucson. Elisha is going to be a school counselor again at the same school.
Ben and Brooke are expecting #3 in Feb. Brooke is really sick with pregnancy, and Ben is wroking hard at work and home. He is going to to the Ironman triathalon in St. George next May with my brother, Adrian. It was fun going biking with him this summer, only he had to push me part of the way up hill because I am old and he is young and also my last two gears need to be adjusted.
Danielle is still on her mission in Toronto. You can read about her at daniellestorontomission.blogspot.com. She is going great. She'll be home in Feb. 2010.
Calvin is selling bug spray (see Elisha) and I am proud of him, as he is in Green Valley (20 min. south of Tucson....HOT) and going door to door for the first time in his life, and driving a car with no air conditioning. He is going to Golf College in a few weeks in Phoenix.
Lauren just got done going with Kyle and her half-sister Kiana delivering phone books around here. They'd get up at 3am. and work until noon, then be tired and go to bed at 9pm and start over. It was hard, but good for them. She is now waiting for school to start and will be in middle school in 8th grade.
On single life: I went to my first single's activity. I will say is the best way to curb divorce is to make it mandatory that you must attend one single's dance before you file for divorce. If you still think your life is bad, go for divorce! Ugh! My friend and I were hit on immediately by two 60+ year old men ( we are both about 5'11", they were both about 5"6"), another that started smelling my neck and hair that I batted away like a fly, and were invited to an overnight party where my friend was told she could share a sleeping bag with one of the guys. And this was an LDS single's activity. When I started to get nauseated by the whole thing--in about 45 minutes--we left and just stared out the window in shock on the way home! So, if you know of any NORMAL single people, I think I'll go for blind dates before I do that again!
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