Why can't I just let God be in charge?

I have a PET scan and heart ultrasound every 3 months just to check out the cancer stuff. The PET scan shows if there has been any growth in any tumors, and if the tumors are still there. The IV I get every three weeks helps fight and stop tumor growth, but sometimes it damages the heart and then they have to stop the Herceptin and then there is a risk that the tumors will grow again. I also take a pill every day to help the cancer not grow. But it makes me gain weight. I have a poofy middle age middle now. I have felt stuff jiggle. Yuck.

Last Friday, Sept. 4, 2009 I had a PET and ultrasound. Since it was Labor Day weekend, I didn't get the results until today, Thursday, almost a week later. I didn't stress a lot over it because I knew there was nothing I could do about the results. I did stress about it on the way to the tests, and even called my kids and parents to ask them to pray for me. I was pretty jittery about it. It was nice to know they were doing that.

Today the guy that gives me my IV's, John, called and instead of telling me I am in remission like they usually do, told me the dr., Dr. Manalo, wanted to talk to me about my results. That worries me, I told him, as they usually just call to say I am in remission. He assured me that if there had been anything bad, Dr. Manalo usually tells him, and he would have told me. He made my appt. with her (the dr.) for a week from tomorrow. That is when I am going in anyway for my usual IV. My regular appt. with the dr. wasn't for 6 weeks and he said she just wanted to see me before then. I did the "are you SURE there's nothing bad in the reports?" conversation, and he assured me if there was he would know and would tell me. I should believe him, but he seemed a little hesitant to me. But maybe that is just because I am so stressed about it.

So....I can think about it in a lot of ways. I can trust him and not worry like he said, or I can freak out and be sure it is something bad she wants to tell me. My cancer grows fast, faster than a 6 week appointment would warrant, but slow enough that waiting a week wouldn't be too bad if something was wrong. My back has been hurting more than usual, but I thought that was because I was up and walking all over with school starting. And maybe that is all it is. Or maybe the cancer is growing. Last PET scan showed all the tumors in my lungs were gone (yeah!) but the ones in my spine were still there, but not growing, and smaller than they were (yeah, again). Also, last time I exercised, my heart really raced and after 15 minutes of sitting down, it was still at 120 bpm. which is pretty high after 15 minutes. So, the worrier in me worries.

But then John said don't worry, that things were fine. But then I have been told that before and they weren't.

My friend had a husband that was/is a sex addict. She divorced him after 20 years of marriage and 4 kids. Now she goes to the church's AA type meeting, but it uses AA and Gospel principles together. She wants to understand her ex and herself better. She asked me to go with her. I have gone twice. Last Sunday there were about 12 ladies. I don't think any were drug or alcohol addicts, but some were food addicts and the rest were "co-dependents," by their own admission. I sat there thinking we are all co-dependent on something or someone. The principle we discussed and read about was the 3rd one, putting it in God's hands. We discussed why we can't do that so easily if we believe He is all powerful, all knowing, there to help us, lets things happen for our good.

I have thought about that in my current situation. If I were to just do that, I wouldn't need to worry. Most of the time, I can do that. But to be honest, I have tried to do that most of my adult life and I got divorced and cancer twice. I am living in the opposite of where I have always wanted to live. I live paycheck to paycheck, if I am lucky. My kids are not around, except Lauren, thank goodness. I am lonely for them sometimes, but am glad they are doing what they are doing mostly. I would feel a failure if they all just lived at home with me still and didn't get out on their own at their age. Today after work, I had nothing I needed to do. Some people would think that was great, but it's not. I had tons of stuff I COULD do, but nothing of interest and nothing that I had to do. So I just sat and channel flipped between Dr. Phil and Oprah's 24th season party.

On Dr. Phil, there was a couple who were somewhat like Kyle and I used to be. The guy thought a lot of the financial stuff he did and did a lot of financial suicidal things in the name of "principal" without the wife knowing or understanding, but using her credit, SS # and name. She now knew and was hoppin' mad. While Dr. Phil and the legal lady didn't really tell her divorce him, they both suggested that was about the only option for her to get out of it all. That is what I came to myself. It was sad to watch it. Then I thought about how I was 28 when Oprah started her show. A lot has happened in 28 years. That was about when Elisha was born. I wondered how some people turned into rich, famous Oprahs and how some turned into people sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for themselves watching Oprah celebrate.

Is it from turning it over to God? Did I do it right, or did Oprah? Did I do my share and this is where God wants me to be, or did I not do my part, and now this is how my life ended up because I did something wrong and now I am being punished with divorce, loneliness, worry about a PET scan, fighting cancer, counting pennies?

I have prayed for so many things and gotten "No" for the answer. I am afraid to turn things over to God. I don't want Him to tell me no again. I live each day not real excited for anything because every time I have wanted something, it seems I have lost it, God has said no. So if I don't want anything really bad, then I won't be disappointed when I lose it. But then life is sort of blah. And then I feel guilty because I have so much more than a lot of people. I still ride my bike. I am still healthy. I can hike and walk and I have a good job and work with good people and I didn't have to change schools and drive all the way to Hurricane to teach, and my kids are healthy and have made great choices and I have wonderful grandkids and in-law kids, and I am at peace, not like the lady on Dr. Phil anymore. I have great friends, good health care, a really nice neighborhood, ward, and town to live in. I have my own house and I can paint it whatever color I want. I have wonderful parents and siblings, I have the Gospel, the Holy Ghost, the Savior, all the church offers and a temple close by.

Am I blessed or being punished? Did I do what I was supposed to do and God just has another plan that I am not aware of, or did I drop the ball somewhere? Is Oprah more blessed than me, or me more than her, and/or does it even matter?

Why can't I let God be in charge? Because I'm scared.